October has been a very difficult month. I am quite literally being buried alive by deadlines, expectations, and demands and it has worn me down. Badly. This Heart of Darkness project is, in some ways, a monster. It's constant battle. Even more so than Moby-Dick, which surprises even me. The book is so dark, so corrosive, so toxic. It's working on me. It's been hard to get the kind of real traction I need to do battle with this thing and win. I feel sometimes like I am always on the run, always trying to fight back against it, to push it away and beat it. It's draining me and I am running out of time.
And then, Wednesday night, a night that I had planned on using to draw for 4 or 5 hours to catch up on these many many projects I am involved in, I hear a muffled boom from somewhere off in our lovely little suburban subdivision and the house goes black. For the second time in less than a month, and the third time in three months, we lost power due to what is apparently a very weak and vulnerable substation or transformer. This last happened in September, around 9pm, and the power was restored by around 3am. The weather then was much warmer so it was little more than an annoyance. On Wednesday though, aside from the obvious frustration of not being able to get some work done, the power went out at 7:40pm and did not return until nearly 5am. On a dark night when the outside temperature was in the mid 30s. The house got very dark and very cold very quickly, and it only got worse.
I had no choice though, and I had to work. During the first power outage in June and July, due to the Great Derecho of 2012, I purchased one of those strange little miner's lights that you wear around your head. It's a bit more up to date, with a flexible nylon band and a small but very bright light, but it has been a godsend. With my back to the wall and deadlines looming, I strapped it on and kept drawing in the cold and the darkness.
And here is the result. What will eventually be page 31, the silent African jungle at night. You can see my miner's light shining on the page there. I didn't trust the light to be good enough to let me do the color ink work, but that is always the last, quickest, and easiest stage of a drawing. I am impressed with what I was able to do under these conditions. Maybe there is hope after all.
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6 comments:
This looks amazing. Maybe the outage was a blessing in disguise.
Oh, Matt! Sending you warmth & light!
While I am sorry for your struggles, I am fascinated by how the text is working on you. As a writer, this reaffirms what I believe about my own artistic form, that poems and stories are more than text on a page. They worm their way into the heart/soul/mind/psyche of the reader and they work on us; they do! I just finished reading a book of poetry this morning that left me heavy with despondency. It was a beautifully written book, but it struck so sharply to the core that it lingers with me even now.
I love your miner's light and your new drawing for the new page. You are also affirming what I've been told time and time again: success in the arts requires talent, yes, but it also requires perseverance. Draw on, my friend, draw on!
lazy bug that i am, i would have taken the outage to be a sign i should rest... hence...
& you, tho sounding overdrawn, you put out a lovely piece.
this struggle also feels different than MD; one on top of the other + the contents of this book + not the same internal motivation?...
don't forget to breathe
fondly
lizzy
Jessica, I am trying to see it that way. Right now it's a razor's edge kind of thing. I keep going back and forth. We have our power again, but there is a high wind advisory here today so I am already preparing myself for more darkness.
Sandy, that is very kind of you and very appreciated.
I agree so fervently that poems and stories are so much more than just text on a page. The reader becomes a voyager entering into the collective dream of the creator, the other readers, and the tale itself. Honestly, sometimes I do worry about the effect that immersing myself in books like Moby-Dick and Heart of Darkness are having on me. I find myself becoming obsessed with completing the art simply to escape the horror. I already know what I am going to work on next, and it is considerably lighter, more hopeful, more personal, and completely my own creation. I am looking forward to that.
Lizzy, those words of wisdom are much needed. This endeavor is so very different from Moby-Dick and I struggle with that. Moby-Dick, even though it led to a book deal for me, was always completely personal. I would have completed all of the art no matter what, because it was essential for me to do so.
I feel like that to a degree with Heart of Darkness, but this is a darker book, full of more horror, and was presented to me from the very beginning as a book deal. That has subtly changed the geography of the journey and I am still finding my way through it all. And thinking about what it means to me as an artist moving forward.
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